When saying goodbye feels impossible...
How ritual helped us ease the pain of losing Ollie
Content Warning: Description of companion animal euthanasia and loss
We left the veterinarian's office with broken hearts and a new diagnosis. Our beautiful Oliver had osteosarcoma, an aggressive form of bone cancer. Our vet offered us chilling advice, "Try to give him all the love you can in the time he has left-- probably no more than 1-2 weeks."
Our heads spinning, we cancelled all of our plans for the next few weeks and shared the news with family and friends. We felt like we were drowning in an ocean of sadness, uncertain how to honor our sweet boy and ease the pain of what lay ahead for us. In the past, we'd had to say goodbye to many beloved pets and we wanted to approach Ollie's last days with love and intention.
Since becoming an end-of-life doula, I'd become intrigued by the power of ritual to provide structure and meaning for life's many transitions. Sara Kerr, ritual healer and founder of the Centre for Sacred Deathcare describes ritual as a process that allows our souls to catch up with the physical realities facing us in times of deep transition. She uses the imagery of how ritual can hold and guide our grief, like the banks of a river. Megan Sheldon, co-founder of BeCeremonial, the world's first guided ritual and ceremony app, believes that we are ceremonial beings--- that ritual is in our bones. She explains that ritual and ceremony have been part of our history across cultures and time. It's only recently that we've lost touch with this powerful way to process rites of passage. Rather than "relearning", we need to "remember" how to incorporate these elements into our lives.
We ended up having about 8 weeks with Ollie before saying our final goodbyes. This "bonus time" gave us the opportunity to be thoughtful about our last weeks and moments together. I drew upon the numerous classes, books, and other resources that I'd encountered during my training and created a set of rituals to help guide us through this tender time. Many of these experiences may not seem much like "rituals", but rather just random things that we did to make the most of Ollie's final days. What makes them different is that each was planned with intention and was part of a holistic approach to honoring our sweet boy and helping us process his passing.
Here's how it went...
- It seems cliche, but the vet's advice to give Ollie as much love as we could in the time he had left was actually the most meaningful thing we did. Making memories was our priority. Early on, he had a strong rally as the new medications eased, not just his cancer pain, but his longstanding "old man" aches and pains. With a new bounce in his step, Ollie was delighted with a quickly planned getaway out of the city. How happy he was to take a road trip with my husband and me, a huge, drooly smile on his face as he watched the world race by from his perch between the front seats. Upon hearing the occasion for our stay, our Air BnB hosts went all out stocking our room with dog friendly blankets, treats, and other goodies. We took him on a short hike to a lake, another through a forest, and let him sleep with us on the king sized bed. Even with the medications, Ollie was not able to climb the stairs to our room in our house. My husband, Elliot slept on the sofa with him every night since his diagnosis to help him feel safe and calm. I'm not sure who needed those middle of the night cuddles more--- Ollie or Elliot!
- As Ollie's health declined and his pain worsened, we began making plans for his end-of-life. Our vet recommended Lap of Love, an incredible company that offers veterinary hospice and in-home euthanasia. From the customer service reps, who delicately helped us navigate the process, to the hospice vet, who guided us through the decision of when to say goodbye, and finally the mobile vet who came to our home when the time was right, everyone treated us with kindness and compassion.
- Each member of our family wrote a "love letter" to Ollie during his final week with us. Our daughter and her fiancé joined us by FaceTime from Chicago to read their letters and say goodbye. We invited his dog sitter and other special friends to stop by, giving them closure and the opportunity to hug and spoil him one last time. We even brought down our cockatiel, Alfalfa to join us for an evening of connection and love.
- The day before Ollie's scheduled euthanasia, we arranged the best surprise of all. Every day during the past summer, he would visit an elderly man in the neighborhood who would sit in his garage and offer biscuits to the passing dogs. As the weather changed to fall, the routine ended and the garage remained closed. For months, Ollie would pull me over to the garage, hoping to find his friend and get a cookie. His face would drop as he realized the door was closed and his friend wasn't there. Realizing how excited Ollie would be to see his friend one last time, I knocked on the man's door. I explained the situation and we scheduled a time to bring Ollie by later that day. It turned out that the man was more of a "cat guy", but had recently lost his wife. His loneliness drew him to start this routine but he had put it on hold as the weather grew colder. At the agreed upon time, we very slowly made our way down to his house. As we turned the corner, Ollie looked towards the garage, seemingly expecting it would be closed. To his delight, the door was open and his friend was sitting in his usual chair, bowl of treats in his lap. The look on Ollie's face was priceless. Tail wagging, Ollie graciously accepted his treats. There wasn't a dry eye in the group as we stood in the cold, each of us knowing this would be the last time these two souls would connect in this way. My heart is full just typing this memory!
- When the day of Ollie's final goodbye arrived, we had a plan. We made an altar for him with photos and mementos of beloved family and friends who had passed. We felt their presence and asked that they be there to welcome Oliver on the other side. We filled a beautiful bag with copies of our letters and other meaningful items. We took him on a final walk on one of his favorite routes, watching him move gingerly, sniffing all the smells he loved so much. After our walk, we explained what was going to happen, let him know that it was time to let go and told him that we would be ok.
- (Content Warning: Euthanasia) Upon arriving, the vet told us how the process would go... first she would give an injection of a strong sedative to put him into a deep sleep. Then she would insert the canula into his vein and when we gave the ok, she would push in the medication that would stop his heart. She assured us that it would be peaceful and painless. We lay out his special blankets on the floor and gave him homemade treat after treat. We pressed our faces into his thick fur, crying, and telling him how loved he was. With his giant head resting on his paws, Ollie looked like he was in the middle of a beautiful nap. We placed bright pink flowers all around him (alstroemeria, my mother's favorite) and stroked his thick fur. We tucked the drawstring back up against him, filled with our letters and mementos to take with him to the other side. We anointed his body with frankincense, blessing and thanking each part of him. We felt his spirit leave his body, yet remain in the room. Opening the door, we encouraged him to fly. The driver from the crematory joined us and together, we bundled up Ollie's body with his blankets, lifted him onto a stretcher, and carried him to the waiting van. We placed him in the vehicle and gave him one last kiss before covering his beautiful face. Standing by the door, we watched the van drive away. Each step of this process, from listening to his last breath, to carrying him out of the house, and finally watching the van turn the corner, helped us slow down and accept the reality of his loss. THIS is the power of ritual, according to Sara Kerr from the Centre for Sacred Deathcare.
- It seemed important to honor the sanctity of the moment before re-entering everyday life, so we decided to walk one of Ollie's favorite routes. Due to his illness, he had not been able to make this trek in sometime. While walking, we told stories about our sweet boy, pointing out the many places along the way that were meaningful to him. We felt sad, but also peaceful, knowing we had sent Ollie on his journey with so much love and intention.
It's been almost 6 months since we said goodbye to Oliver. We still feel his presence in our home and in our hearts. When I think about his final days, I am grateful that we have images of flowers, sweet scents, and beautiful memories to hold onto. This experience has shown me the power of ritual and ceremony to ease the pain and offer structure and meaning to times of transition. I can't imagine facing any rites of passage in my life without them.
Thank you for taking the time to read our story. Please spare a thought for Ollie and give your furry loved ones a big hug and extra treat in his honor!
Our sweet Oliver